Grumpy Journalist, Truth-Slinger, 20:15 PM BST, May 25, 2025
Look what the political bin fire dragged in… Well it’s Bank Holiday Monday, which means I’ve spent the day in that sacred British tradition of doing absolutely nothing productive. A bit of doomscrolling, a couple of new films I’ll forget by Thursday, and the usual existential crisis that comes from dipping into the political sludge pit known as the X feed. I was going to go to the gym honestly, I had my socks ready but then I made the mistake of reading Kemi Badenoch’s latest Telegraph column. Now I need a cold compress, a lie down, and possibly an exorcist.
This blog? Oh, it’s about that article and you bet your ministerial pension I’ve got a few things to say. So grab a cuppa or a stiff drink (you’ll need one), as The Grumpy Journalist wades once again into the smouldering wreckage of British diplomacy, where denial is policy and self-awareness is treason.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Will The Telegraph ever hire The Grumpy Journalist? Hmm, maybe after they’ve run out of Jacob Rees Mogg quotes and need someone who actually knows what a rent payment feels like but let’s be honest if the mainstream media ever did hire someone like me, their servers would melt under the weight of truth bombs and unresolved national guilt. We’re unfiltered, unflinching, and utterly unwilling to play nice with the polite lies of polite politics. First to hire The Grumpy Journalist? The media of the world need to earn that honour.
We don’t do access journalism we do access denied. We don’t chase spin we chase the people spinning and ask them awkward questions until they sweat through their Savile Row suits. So no, I’m not waiting for the call from Fleet Street. I’m busy holding a mirror up to it.
Anyway back to Kemi.
Enter Badenoch, stage right, dragging a Telegraph column behind her like it’s a sacred scroll of truth rather than the political tantrum it actually is. Her latest outburst “Britain is being humiliated abroad and taxpayers are paying for it” It’s the kind of high-octane delusion you’d expect from someone who’s spent 14 years watching her party set the country on fire like a toddler let loose in a fireworks factory giggling, unsupervised, and holding a jerry can.
Let’s break this down, torch by torch, mess by mess, while the Lib Dems cling to their sanity and Labour tries to rebuild the house… with a spork.
The Chagos Islands A Colonial Hangover With Extra Stupidity
Kemi’s meltdown over the £30 billion Chagos deal is almost adorable like watching a pyromaniac complain about the fire brigade’s water bill. Apparently, Keir Starmer is “surrendering” British territory. Reality check this isn’t Dunkirk, darling, it’s diplomacy. The Tories sat on the Chagos issue for years like a cat on a time bomb, ignoring a 2019 International Court of Justice ruling and a 116–6 UN vote telling Britain to give it back but sure, now it’s Labour’s fault for… solving it?
The new deal gives the US military base on Diego Garcia a 99-year lease. That’s right, folks Starmer secured the most strategic island in the Indian Ocean while compensating the Chagossians and Mauritius for decades of colonial screwery. £30 billion stings, but so does stepping on your own imperial rake.
Also, let’s not forget the Tories literally started these negotiations before Keir walked in and said, “Guess I’ll clean this up then.” Meanwhile, Ed Davey claps politely in the background like a dad at a school play muttering, “Finally, someone with a brain.”
PAYWALL KLAXON
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